Big Steps Pt. 2 : Clay on potter’s hands

"And have put on the new man,

which has become new in knowledge

after the image of his maker."

Colossians 3:10

We have moment on our lifes that are really important, when you take decisions or take steps that will lead you to a point where you can't go back, not because you ca't but because you don't want to. That is exactly what this means to me.

Later that year I had the opportunity to participate on a 3 days dancing event, the first day a worship day, the second an outdoors concert and the third is the workshop day. It was my first time and I could feel His call, but again there was something against it, family. I remember I argue with my dad because I asked for a day off at work. I had an uneasy heart because I felt like I was being disobedient to my dad, but I knew that if I was obedient I was going to reject God’s call. I was so confused that I had a really hard time the second day during the concert. I had to ask for advice because I was worried, but someone took a photo and told me that even when I was having a hard day and I was confused, God used me to touch people there in many ways and that I was glorifying and praising him with my dance. The last day I talked with one of the teachers and he said that I was being obedient to God and that even though I was having a hard time with my dad, one day he will understand that dancing it was more than just a hobby, but a call.

That was the Big Step # 4. To be obedient to the Lord’s will, even when I had the world against me.

That was a busy year we had a lot of performances, but I was feeling more empty as the time passed by. After that I started to have this “idea”, and i call it idea because I thought that it was that just that, of looking for counseling because there were a lot of things going on in my life, there were a lot of situations in different areas that were messy and I couldn’t find an answer for them. I ignored it for a long time. For me it was just an “idea” lingering on my mind.

Even when I was feeling so confused, God was preparing me for what he had for me. I remember that when I was in school I said to myself that I will be a dancer for the rest of my life, there was no way I’ll become a teacher or a choreographer because I had no experience and I didn’t had enough knowledge to become one. Oh, I was so mistaken!. Once more God called me out of my comfort zone. I remember that my Dance teacher asked me to help her with one of her classes and I said yes because I was going to be her assistant , not a teacher but at assistant so everything was ok. A month later she said: Ok, now we’ll take turns one day you will assist me the next you will teach the class. I think I’ve never being more afraid of 6 year old kids in my life. I was terrified of them and I felt so insecure. I remember I thought that I knew nothing to teach them. I had the guidelines but I was terrified. To be completely honest I felt intimidated by my coworkers, all of them were getting their dance major. They are my friends, but I felt way less worthy than them so I asked myself a thousand times “Why me? I dropped out school, they are way more trained than me to teach, I don’t mind to help, but why teaching?”, after a few months I understood that I felt responsible for my students so I wanted to share the little knowledge I got from school and life. So my mindset changed rather than teach I wanted to share. And this not only happened with dancing class, It happened with my spiritual life too. At the time we were getting ready for a performance about Noah and our studio director asked me to lead one of the subjects. And again I had the same question as before “Why me? I don’t know anything about God” but He proved me that I was wrong once again.

Big Step #5. He will take you out of your comfort zone. If you say yes you will be amazed of what you can accomplish even if you feel you are not enough.

Even when I felt how God was working on me I felt really completely lost, like I was having two different lifes, one at the ballet studio and the other out of there. As teachers we have some days when we gather together to pray for the ministry and for each other. The first time I went, a friend who prayed for me told me two things that ringed the bell:

1. Stop thinking about dying, I have big plans for you.

2. Don’t give pearls to the pigs

It made me realized that I needed to make some changes in my life in order to be me, to feel complete. So I stopped ignoring that "idea" and asked for help. It took me a few months to find what I needed, but God had the right place at the right time and the same friend who told me that, helped me find the place I needed. The moment I started counseling and lot of “normal” things, habits I had, became odd and I started to feel uncomfortable so I got rid of them one by one, some were harder than the others but there were a lot of little changes that made me free. God taught me a lot of lessons and one of those was with a character I had to play, a donkey. Yes I know it sounds funny, but actually that part taught me more than I could expected. This was a donkey that loved to help others but the more he helped the more ungrateful the people was so at the end he became a grumpy and hateful donkey. I was feeling exactly like that, so it helped me to understand that I have a part to play in my life as well in other people’s life but I can’t play a part that doesn’t belong to me. I had to make sacrifices and make choices that affected not just me but other’s lives as well. At the time I understood that I was so lost that I had to step back and start a new path to find who I was, what I wanted, where my dreams were and what was God’s part in my life.

I will call this New Chapter. I had to turn the page and start writing a new chapter along with God so I could find me and realice how worthy I am.

I can’t call this a step because I had to start all over again and reboot my mindset. One of the things that defined this as a new chapter was that I had to speak out and say at laud what I wanted and needed and to think about my well being first rather than the others. I had to learn to see myself with God’s eyes and not with Maria’s eyes. To understand how worthy I am. I’m still learning about it, every single day, changing old habits and letting go old burdens.

"And when the vessel, which he was forming out of earth, got damaged in the hand of the potter, he made it again into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to make it." Jeremiah 18:4